April 2008

Intro and Miss-takes ...
Have you ever gone to bed at night praying or promising yourself that you'll be a better parent tomorrow? That you'll be more patient, more tolerant, more loving, more fun? Then tomorrow comes and the prayer and the promise dissolve in the stresses and pressures and worries of the day and you're disappointed in yourself again.
As I see it, the prayer and the promise is a way your "higher self" calls out to you. You may know it by another name — intuition, that natural stuff of humankind that you can trust to guide you to do your best, to be your best, and to bring out the best in your children.
Since the 1940s parents have been turning to child experts to tell us what to do and as a result many of us questioned the viability and reliability of our intuition. Putting this natural gift aside, we began parenting with our heads instead of our hearts. Child experts are, of course, a great resource for teaching us what children need, how they develop, and how to discipline them. But your intuition, together with your heightened ability to listen, and your keen powers of observation will tell you how to discover and meet the needs of each of your children.
In the more than fifty years that I have been listening to parents, it became quite clear that nearly all of them had what it takes to be good parents. When they began to trust themselves, trust their judgment, and have faith in their ability to do their best, remarkable change took place in themselves and in their children. (Other parents who seemed to lack what it takes to be good parents had such overwhelming problems within themselves, and from without, they could not see beyond their own needs. I usually recommended that they seek professional counseling to help them deal with their own inner turmoil first).
In this column each month, I will share with you what I have learned from hundreds of parents of all backgrounds — what some did to raise amazing children, and what blocked others from succeeding at it. I will pass along to you some sound ideas and values and if you agree with them, it won't be because I persuaded you to my way of thinking, it will be because they are the ideas and values you already hold dear. Then, I'll show you how to apply them to everyday living. My focus is not so much on what you do, but on how your actions affect your child and your relationship with him and her. It's all about strengthening your relationship with each individual child and the satisfactions of keeping your connection with them throughout your lives.
Along with our desire to be good parents goes the gnawing fear that our mistakes will do irreparable harm to our children. So, let's examine the issue of making mistakes. To set the record straight, we are not talking about abuse or neglect. What we are talking about are the common, innocent, well-meaning mistakes many of us make, and often make inadvertently. (I think I'm safe in saying none of us wakes up in the morning saying "I think I'll make a mistake today.") Here's a definition that offers another way of looking at mistakes: A mistake comes from your "take" on a situation that leads to an action intended to teach your child life's lessons and from which you expected a positive result. When you do not get the positive result, it turns out to be a "miss-take."
What will it take to turn the miss-take into a positive experience instead of fearing and worrying that you have harmed your child for life? Let's say your child had a behavior you wanted to discourage, and when he or she persisted at it, you lost your temper. Maybe you screamed or spanked or punished in some way. With your intuition telling you that you didn't handle it in the best way, you can revisit the situation in the quiet moments at your child's bedside. Regardless of the age of the child, begin with an apology for what you now feel was an over-the-top reaction. You are not saying that the behavior was acceptable; you are simply letting your child know that you were too harsh in your reaction. Chances are your child will also apologize for his/her behavior. Isn't this what we would do with anyone else? If you had an overreaction to your neighbor, wouldn't you apologize if you valued that relationship?
Apologies clear the air, but more importantly, they give children the experience and opportunity to forgive not only us, but themselves. What a way to grow!

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