“Children need to feel connected with caring adults who will listen and help put their problems into perspective.”

Now focusing on the core issue of Jake’s feeling of helplessness, Kate realizes that sleeping with him is not going to solve the problem. In fact, instead of alleviating his fear, she wonders if she has been inadvertently confirming it! (If there’s nothing to fear, why sleep with him?) Kate can now put the problem into perspective.

Life presents plenty of occasions for Jake to feel helpless – from not being able to wake up on time to not being able to fall asleep by himself and everything in between – a bump on the head, an insult from a playmate, losing a game, or being unable to dress himself. Jake needs a compassionate response from his mother, not a quick fix! “Oh, my, Jake, I can see how upsetting that was. Let me hear your good ideas about how you are going to handle it.”

“Children need hobbies and interests to give them an awareness of their own abilities.”

Engaging Jake in activities in which he has a chance to succeed will help him develop a “can-do” attitude about himself.

“Unconditional love and gentle but firm teaching builds a child’s self-esteem, and harsh criticism or punishment chips away at their self-esteem.”

Praise for good effort of any kind brings far better results than criticism. Appropriate praise makes a child feel good about himself, capable and worthwhile.  Moreover, praise becomes the incentive for him to continue striving for such positive notice.

“Children need to feel accepted.”

By accepting our children just as they are, they learn to accept themselves just as they are; and when they accept themselves they are not afraid to fail; and without fear of failure,  they have what it takes to try new experiences or handle those that trouble them.

“Children need to hear and feel they are important.”

A positive self-image encourages children to tackle the difficulties they face and to spring back afterwards.  No sense of helplessness here.

Lastly, as many of us have often found, children are quick to pick up on their parents’ split opinions, so it is quite natural for them to choose the sympathetic parent to “rescue” them. Putting aside their differences, Kate and Frank have a mutually acceptable way to be unified as they collaborate on building Jake’s self-confidence. With their support and faith in his ability to surmount his fearfulness, the sleep issue will resolve itself and all three of them will live happily ever after, or at least they’ll get some long-overdue rest.