February 2009

Here we are in the month of February and, thanks to Valentine’s Day, our thoughts turn to love. We scurry around buying cards, flowers, trinkets, and chocolates to let those we love know how we feel about them. And everyone gets into the act. Little children give valentines’ cards to their classmates and teachers; husbands and wives exchange them; mothers, fathers, children, friends, neighbors, grandparents, the mailman, and even the family cat gets a card.
Okay, so it’s a little commercial – but we have to let them know, don’t we? We need a concrete way to express our feelings, right? Trinkets and chocolates speak for us. They say: “I appreciate and love you and I want to please you. I want to make you happy.”
Yet, I have found a glitch in the matter of giving and receiving gifts. Some people find it hard to give and other people find it hard to receive. This seems especially true when it comes to verbal gifts of compliments or praise. Sad to say, some people who don’t offer praise deny themselves and others the pleasure of strengthening their relationships. Praise is like the glue that holds us close to one another. We all need affirmation from time to time – a pat on the back for a job well done, or simply the recognition of and appreciation for who we are.
Did you ever offer a compliment that was rejected with the words, "Oh, no I’m not!” Did it seem as if your well-meant “gift” was being returned, unopened? We often hear how good it is to give, but we rarely hear that it is also good to receive graciously. So how do we teach our children how to receive graciously? You guessed it! They learn by observing how their parents handle praise and by hearing the words they use to respond to it. When you teach your children good manners, let them know that it is not only polite to say “thank you” but even when the gift is not exactly what they had hoped for, it is a gift nonetheless, given in a spirit of generosity, and it needs to be acknowledged in a like manner. Model the words you’d like to hear from your children, “Thank you for thinking of me.” As you say these words to your children when they show little kindnesses to you, in time it will become second nature for them to reciprocate.
Now, a word about excessive praise. Some parents believe that the more they praise their children, earned or not, the more self-esteem their children will have. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. A child who feels unworthy does not believe the praise he or she hears. Besides, excessive praise can backfire. Telling children they are the smartest, most beautiful child in the world may make them feel pressured to live up to too-high standards and defeat them from the start. Or they may feel guilty if they don’t live up to the level of praise. Or they could take it literally and believe they are in fact superior to their peers which would put them in a class of one on the social scale – a very lonely place to be.
Praise needs to be authentic and its focus should be on the child’s specific effort. A comment such as, “You did a fine job of research on that project” or "it looks like you took great care with this project" is far more effective (and to the point) than a platitude like “You are so wonderful/clever/amazing etc.” When opportunities arise to comment on a child’s character, they would love to hear, “I admire your honesty, or courage, or helpfulness, or the way you handled yourself in that difficult situation.”
Children take seriously (and literally) this kind of honest assessment of their character. It helps them realize and value their own strengths and abilities. And, if by your example, they are accustomed to giving back, the next time you praise them, you might hear, “Thanks Mom and Dad for thinking of me in that way.”

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