January 2009

Many years ago, I asked my grandfather, “How did it feel to fly for the first time when you were 90 years old?” “Wonder of wonders!” he answered.
If you were asked about your first-time experiences, how would you respond? Would you say “wonder of wonders?” Or do you find it hard to deal with new situations or sudden change? Some of us have the ability to seamlessly accept the changes in our lives, or within ourselves, or in the world around us. Indeed, we don’t miss a beat as we welcome change as an exciting adventure.
Others among us need time to adapt, to get a grip on our emotions, and to adjust to a new and different situation. Given enough time, however, we get through the period of transition and settle into the newness. Yet, still others find it difficult to deal with the uncertainty of the unknown, and we resist change with all our might. You’ll find the same variables among children.
Let’s take a look at that wonderful, often fearless little explorer, the 2-year-old. Steady on his feet now, he’s ready to take on the world. Everything he sees, smells, hears, touches, and tastes requires his full investigation. If anyone was ever ready for change, it’s the 2-year-old. And yet, despite his risk-taking spirit, he also needs a measure of sameness in his life – a source of comfort that makes him feel secure. He may find it in his security blanket, or in the need to hear the same story over and over, or the consistent rules that make him feel safe.
So while we can expect the more adventuresome child to adapt to change quickly, not every 2-year-old is ready to spread his wings. Some are more wary and less inclined to venture too far from their secure environment. Sudden change is unsettling to them, and they find it very hard to make the transition from one situation to another.
Here’s a common scene between a quick-to-adapt mom and her slow-to-adapt child. Mom can hardly be understanding and patient when her child who is filled with trepidation on the first day of school gets a stomachache and is crying her head off just as the school bus stops in front of their house.
There are countless opportunities every day to observe how children adapt to the changes in their daily lives. How do they make the transition from playing a game to getting ready for bed? How do they deal with the prospect of moving to a new home or going to a new school and having to be accepted by new classmates? How do they deal with illness, in themselves and others? How do they adapt to a change in the way you treat them?
In my boo, I wrote about a mother who changed the way she dealt with her son’s habit of kicking walls when he was angry. Instead of screaming at him, as she usually did, she now decided to validate his feelings by calmly saying, “I see you are very angry.” The poor little kids was so unnerved by this mother-turned-stranger, he got up, stomped toward the door calling over his should, “I hate when you takl to me like that!”
This is a good example of a child’s resistance to the change in his mother’s demeanor. He felt she was “suddenly a stranger.” And what could be scarier to a child than that? Even a good change can threaten a child’s sense of security.
What could the mother have done to prepare her son for her new approach? She could have let him know in advance tht she did not like yelling at him and that she wanted to try something new. Lastly, on the brink of change, avoid false assurances that everything will be all right. Instead, assure your children that you will be at their side if and when they need your help. Above all, let them know that they have a reservoir of courage inside of them to get them through the tough times.

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