The Miracle of Change

The miracle of change never ceases to amaze me. I’m not talking about the seasons, though they are certainly worthy of mention. No, I am talking about the miracle of change in people. In our KEEP THE CONNECTION WORKSHOPS℠, we find that most parents, grandparents, and other caregivers are raising their children the way their parents raised them. Feeling that they are none the worse for it, they never asked themselves whether their methods of discipline were right or wrong for their children or for them. They just did it the “old” way.
In the WORKSHOPS, our facilitators pose the kinds of questions that will stimulate the participants’ thinking and ask them to search their own hearts for their answers. We come to them with implicit trust that their answers will reflect their highest values. And they always do. At the first of our eight weekly meetings, we ask them to describe what kind of person they hope all their parenting efforts will produce. Here is a short sample of their desires for their children: to be successful in life, and to be kind, honest, goal-oriented, persistent, loving, to have high self-esteem, to be giving and forgiving and spiritual. From that point on, together we discuss the most appropriate parenting methods that will enable them to reach their goals.
When the parents come to realize that their harsh methods of discipline will not lead to their stated goals, they see for themselves what sense it makes to change what they are doing. But is “sense” all it takes to change a way of life? How do they go from ingrained behaviors to new ways of discipline? How do they change their attitudes and feelings?
Change takes root in the AHA! moments that occur in our discussions. While some parents need time for the seed of change to germinate, others are able to act on it immediately. In either case, all of them are relieved to know that they need not hit or scream at their children because it will not produce the results they want. No one likes to scream or hit children. Most often, it is done as a last resort when parents are frustrated by their failure to get their children’s cooperation. So change is as much for the sake of the child’s well-being as it is for the parent’s.
The key issue in the WORKSHOPS is to strengthen the parent-child relationship and to KEEP THE CONNECTION strong. After one parent revealed her method of teaching her ten-year-old son a lesson, I asked her if it would bring her son closer to her or would it push him away. In that moment, she slapped her forehead and said, “Oh, my God, I am doing just what my mother did to me and I swore I’d never do it.” How many of us are repeating patterns laid out for us by our parents? How many of us swore we’d never do what they did, and then wind up doing exactly what they did? How many of us are capable of exchanging old ways for new?
Once the WORKSHOP parents become aware that they are repeating old patterns, they are then faced with choices – choices they never realized they were free to make. And now for the miracle! It comes in the form of courage – the courage to change, the courage to leave what they have always known and take on the unknown of a new approach to their discipline.
We believe all parents want a good outcome for all their parenting efforts, but not all parents are willing to find out whether they are using the best methods to succeed. When we question ourselves or our actions we risk finding out that we may need to change ourselves, not our children. For some parents, that is a very uncomfortable prospect, for others it is an exciting challenge. So we applaud all parents who show up at our orientation meetings because we think they are special individuals who are willing to take the risk. Of course, there are others who would be open to learning about themselves but are unable to attend due to the pressures of their jobs or family responsibilities. And so, though our programs are free to all parents of children in Baltimore City elementary, middle and high schools, our group attendance is small. Oh, but what grand little groups they are – with people of courage and willingness to grow and change. Most remarkable of all is how swiftly they see positive change in their children. And all it takes is courage!

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