Though we're determined to protect our children, at times we get side-tracked by conflicting issues and wind up giving them mixed messages. Take the story of Jane Smith, for example. Every time she hears about an abduction, tells her three-year-old son, Bobby, not to talk to strangers. Then one day Jane and Bobby are standing in an elevator and a friendly lady says "hello" to him. And what does Jane do? She prods him to "say hello to the nice lady" because she wants Bobby to be polite, and she wants him to see the world as a friendly place. "But, Mommy, you told me not to talk to strangers," Bobby reminds her. Embarrassed and uncomfortable, she turns purple and can't get off the elevator soon enough. And the poor little kid has no idea what to do the next time.
Now, let's replay the elevator scenario only this time Jane has encouraged Bobby to respond to the nice lady who not only said "hello," but continued with, "what's your name?" and "how old are you?" Engaging him in even a brief conversation gives Bobby an opportunity to "get a feel" for this person. As soon as Jane and Bobby leave the elevator, she asks him, "What kind of feeling did you have when that lady talked to you?" "She was nice," he might say. Or "I didn't like that lady." Or "I felt funny." Here is a golden opportunity for Jane to help Bobby understand what his feelings mean. "Where did you feel 'funny,' Bobby?" "In my tummy," he might say. Intuitive signals can often be felt in a particular body part, the chest, the throat, even the face, but most often the stomach, (which is why it's called the gut reaction.) If Bobby means he felt uncomfortable, he needs to hear that this is a very important feeling and that he must learn to trust it. And most important, he needs to know that when he gets that uncomfortable feeling about someone, he must get away and he must always tell her about it.

Children need to exercise their intuition, to strengthen it. The more exposure to all kinds of people, the more reactions they will have to work with. Of course, you make it clear to the children that they may talk with people they don't know only when you are present and only if you are willing to always discuss their reactions with them. With this kind of background, they will learn to rely on their intuitive feelings to tell them who they can trust whether it is a possible molester, a teenage boyfriend who would abuse your daughter, a dope peddler, a cult recruiter, or any other person who intends to harm them.To digress for a moment, I was involved for more than thirty years in counseling families whose sons and daughters became involved in destructive cults. During interviews with ex-members, I always asked what kind of feelings they had at the time they were recruited. Many of them admitted they dismissed their uncomfortable feelings because the recruiters seemed "so nice." Or they did not want to be impolite by walking away. Or they didn't have the courage to say "no." Additionally, at the time of their recruitment most ex-members were in a particularly vulnerable state of mind or stressful circumstances. Needing comfort or respite from their troubles, they overlooked their intuitive signals. After listening to a seductive, high-pressured "sales pitch," they gave up their college education, their career goals, their involvement with their family and friends to go off with total strangers! Those who were raised to be obedient (instead of learning how to be cooperative) ignored their feelings and simply did not question the recruiters' "sincerity." They did as they were told. Or their intuition was so impaired that they were not sure they what the signals meant.Intuition is a natural ready-made built-in radar system that is meant to protect us. Some people are keenly tuned into it and respond to it at an immediate gut level. My husband, Bill, is one of those people. We'll meet someone for the first time and in a flash he either likes them or he doesn't. If I press him to tell me what it was about that person he doesn't like, he'll simply say it's just a feeling he got. I, on the other hand might have an uncomfortable feeling about the same person, but rather than trust my intuition, I'll "give them the benefit of the doubt" in the interest of being fair, non-judgmental, politically correct. There may also be an self-serving component here. I am so open and eager for new relationships that I tended to overlook the red flags. Invariably, it will take months, sometimes even years for me to see in a person what Bill picked up immediately.
Now that I am old(er), I am beginning to focus on my intuition and I'm willing to sacrifice making a few new friends here and there.

How else can we help our children develop their intuition, learn to trust it, and begin to rely on it? It starts with the way the adults close to them (parents, older siblings, grandparents, teachers, etc.) handle their feelings - all of their feelings all of the time. We parents, bless us all, have a tendency to try to make things right for our children. For example, we want to make a sad child feel better, so we jump right in with a quick fix and tell her, "You shouldn't feel that way," and then we go on to persuade her with all our good reasons why she should dismiss her feeling. The child, believing her parent must be right, or is smarter than she is, decides there must be something wrong with her feeling. Instead of being reassured and comforted as her parent intended, she's left with self-doubt. No matter how well-intentioned, such remedies run the risk of getting the unwanted result of chipping away at the child's ability to trust her own feelings, which is after all, what intuition is all about. We deprive our children of their first line of defense when we do not strengthen their intuition and enable them to tune into it.
The bottom line on handling children's feelings is quite simple. Respect their feelings no matter what they are, value their feelings whether you agree with them or not, whether you like them or not, make no attempt to change them, or trivialize them, or ignore them, or judge them, and rather than offer a quick fix, be a patient and compassionate listener.