What makes a family strong?

In every home you will find people, from young to old, with different temperaments, different ideas, different tastes, different sensitivities, different ways of looking at the world. And despite their differences they are expected to not only live together but get along. How will that happen? What will bring each of these diverse personalities into a communal spirit? What will make these unique individuals a family and a strong one at that?

If each person was left on his and her own to live in this household, can you imagine what it would be like? For example, Mom would be having breakfast at 7 - sometimes; Dad at 8 -  occasionally; Susie whenever she feels like it, and Junior not at all. Now multiply that scenario by all the other tasks of the day, and you'd have total chaos and a house full of strangers. Now  let's see what occurs when families eat together. Let's see how a routine dinner time could give cohesion and a sense of family to this disparate bunch.

Eating together at regular times gives each person a feeling of order, an essential building block in the structure of the family. Dinnertime, for example, is an hour out of the day when everyone feels they "belong" as they share food and conversation, and for some families, prayers of gratitude. When each member of the family puts aside his and her own interests for that special time, they communicate their importance to one another. And it has tremendous impact. According to recent research, it appears that Dad's presence at the dinner table can have a real positive effect on his children's performance in school! 
A  word here about table talk: one ancient tradition offers this little piece of wisdom: in a family discussion, let the youngest child voice his or her opinion first so as not to be swayed or intimidated by the opinions of the older members of the family. How comforting it would be if each person had a forum for his and her ideas and feelings and to be respected though others may disagree. How vital it would be to their sense of well-being to find their own voice and discover who they are. How affirming to be heard by patient, interested listeners. How secure we feel when  we strengthen the bonds of family.

The world outside your door changes from day to day. Values once cherished in the mainstream are being replaced by all kinds of undesirable practices and we worry about the effect they will have on our impressionable children. How can we protect them from destructive outside influences? How do we convey values that will  remain guideposts for their lives? We might not have ever made the connection, but in fact, daily rituals and routines are not merely a convenience, but they actually give children a sense of security.

A strong family becomes a refuge from the confusing twists and turns in the mores of society.

Companionship at the dinner table is an ideal time and place for conveying values. It is a time of "taking in" both food and ideas. The word (companion) itself has to do with sharing bread! Dinnertime is a golden opportunity each day to have meaningful dialogue, indeed, a time to make meanings, a time to share meanings, a time to acknowledge and respect each person's ideals and a time to receive direction and inner strength from the family unit. It's a time to report the news from each person's experiences of the day, or to comment on what is going on in the world. Or it can just be a time for laughter. Most families have their own particular rituals, religious or not, and they too, offer comfort in their repetition. It's the same kind of security young children feel when they ask to hear the same story over and over. It's familiar and reliable. The routines and rituals stand in sharp contrast to the ever-changing, crazy-making world outside. It gives children the definition and the feeling of normalcy.

Unconditional love is another feature of the strong family, yet it is one of the most misunderstood terms often found in parenting manuals. Some parents take it to mean that we should love our children no matter what they do and by extension, condone what they do. Wrong! As I see it, unconditional love means "no strings attached." It means that we love others even when, or especially when, we disapprove of their actions. When a child (or anyone else, for that matter) makes a mistake, or uses bad judgment, our unconditional love would generate a compassionate response and a correction that does not humiliate him. Unconditional love means we accept people as they are, for who they are, and we make no attempt to change their personalities to suit ourselves. Unconditional love is at the heart of the strong family.

Lastly, there's a magical "super-glue" in relationships. I've written an earlier column about the bonding of family members through laughter, but it bears repeating here. I am blessed with a family of very witty people. Starting with my husband, Bill's humor is dry and quick. And after having known him for 66 years, he still makes me laugh. (Just imagine the sheer joy of a lifetime of laughter.) My oldest child, Jessie, now 61, inherited her father's type of humor. My second daughter, Andrea, has her own charming sense of humor, my son, Richard, has the cleverest sense of humor, and I am often awed by the brilliance of it. As for me, I was voted the funniest person in my high school graduating class which I considered high praise. I love to make people laugh. It's not just fun, it is uplifting for them and for me! But there's more to humor than just giggles and guffaws. There's getting through the rough times by seeing the humor in them. There's maintaining a sense of balance and perspective through humor. There's the bonding of people who laugh together and share those light moments even when our hearts are heavy.
And then there's the bonding effects when families enjoy each other's company, enjoy the camaraderie, the moment, the relief from the days stresses, the therapeutic effect of laughter on the mind and body, and the fun of it all. Family is a place where you can create joyful memories with each other and for each other.

So it appears that the differences in personalities mentioned earlier, fall away when we  focus on those elements that strengthen the ties from person to person. Making the family strong  is everybody's "job." Here's how it works: The child who willingly accepts responsibility for the upkeep of the household - at least by keeping his and her own rooms in order, adds to the strength of the family by preventing the stressful and wearisome battles for cooperation; the father who sets aside time to be at the dinner table each night communicates that he gives his family top priority; and the mother who fills the atmosphere with unconditional love, and joy, and fun, brings all those personalities together into a strong, cohesive unit called family.

A word to parents who feel they "missed the boat" and that it is too late to start. It isn't. I have had the privilege of working with parents for over 50 years, and I have found that we can begin at any time to bring our families closer. It is a process that starts with mutual acceptance and mutual respect.