So how do we "shape the child's capacity to deal with stressors?" What makes children resilient? At the end of a long-range study, psychologists Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith found the following factors are necessary for children to become  resilient:

• children need to feel connected with caring adults who will listen and help put their problems in perspective ; they need just one loving adult to guide them and believe in them.
  The ideal connection is between parent and child. If, for some reason, this is not forthcoming, then another caring adult could be a life-saver.)

• children need to read books, especially about everyday problems so that they have a variety of solutions to consider
  (Discussions of real or hypothetical problems around the dinner table is another excellent way for parents to discover how their children would solve problems and to add to their options.)

• children need to learn how to have good social skills and get along with other children
  (Getting along with other children gives children a sense of their own worth.)

• children need hobbies and interests to give them an awareness of their own abilities
  (Pursuing and succeeding in hobbies and interests gives children a sense of  achievement, positive outlook, and a "can-do" frame of mind.)

• children need a satisfactory measure of control over what happens to them particularly in activities where they have control over the outcome
  (Playing games or sports shows children their capacity for endurance and  determination to overcome obstacles.)

• children need to be acknowledged and praised for completing tasks on their own
  (Acknowledging and praising every completed task whether household chores, homework, school responsibilities, or social requirements encourages children to act independently.)

• children need to have confidence in themselves
  (Unconditional love and gentle but firm teaching instead of harsh criticism or punishment builds their self-esteem.)

• children need to feel accepted and to be accepting of others
  (The height of respect is to accept children as they are, for who they are, where they are and your acceptance of them enables them to accept others.)

• children need to hear and feel that they are important
  (A positive self-image will encourage children to tackle the difficulties they face and to spring back afterwards.)

• children need new experiences that will allow them to challenge themselves
  (Encouraging children to participate in new games, make new friends, and venture into new situations will enable them to handle the "unknown" - the unfamiliar.

• children need to hear stories of heroism so that they will learn how to have courage
  (Let children know about the many ordinary people who do extraordinary things as a guide to their own capacity for inner strength.)

• children need to hear positive statements about the future
  (Parents' fears for the future have a profound effect on how children will face the future.)

• children need hope
  (Both hope and despair are contagious.)

• the most protective factor for the resilient child is having someone who believes in them

Permit me some personal reminiscences. My daughter Jessie was wonderfully resilient as far back as I can remember. When she was about ten-years-old, she made it clear she had what it took to bounce back. After her father called her a baby for some silly action, she retreated to her bedroom, wrote a note, folded it in the shape of an airplane and let it fly down the stairs where her father was standing. The note read: "I am not a baby, and besides, Mommy told me to always express myself.  Love, Jessie."

Jessie had many encounters with painful situations and somehow she managed each time to surmount them. I marveled at her ability to feel deeply and then free herself to move on. When she was sixteen, the car she was driving was hit by a speeding car. Her face hit the windshield and she was left with facial scars. She was driving soon again, and bearing her scars without self-consciousness.

I loved the way she went to work at the bottom of a large corporation, and without any previous experience or knowledge of management, rose to become an award-winning manager of an entire district. And I was deeply touched by her turning down a promotion that would have required her to travel extensively because family meant so much more to her. She left that job and ventured into setting up a little dress shop. She went into business on her own, again with no experience at all. She didn't simply have customers, she made friends of everyone who entered her store.

Being a former manager, Jessie was quick to see the solution to every problem that employees brought to her, and she was just as quick to give the solution. Imagine then, my amazement when she told me she wanted to join my team of women who are trained to refrain from giving any kind of advice in our parents' groups. Jessie was willing to change her natural inclination of giving advice for the new role of listener. Once again she had the courage and willingness to try something new. She overcame every obstacle in her path. She was resilient.

This column is dedicated to my deeply appreciated and beloved daughter Jessie who was killed by a hit and run driver on October 12, 2009, just four days after her 61^st birthday.