June 2008

Some parents are not happy with the results they are getting from their methods of discipline. Instead of reevaluating their methods, they blame their children for the poor results. So they continue to do what wasn't working and expect the children will eventually "come around." Other parents who were dissatisfied with their results were eager for new ideas. I found just such a group of parents at an inner city school.
With a grant from the Harry and Jeanette Weinberg Foundation in conjunction with the Sidran Institute,(my publisher) and the Baltimore City Public School Office of Parent and Community Involvement, we launched a pilot project called the KEEP THE CONNECTIONTM. WORKGROUP   The goal of this program is to show parents how to keep their connection to their children, now and in the future. Strengthening the parent-child relationship is the best defense against the bad influences that surround us. For inner city parents it's the lure of gangs, but city or county, wherever your children go, they will come up against people who don't share your family's good values. Even your toddlers will need to resist peers who would pressure them to behave in unacceptable ways.
With remarkable swiftness, the parents in the KEEP THE CONNECTION TM. WORKGROUP changed not only the way they thought about discipline, but they changed what they were doing. Here are some of their comments which they have given me permission to add to this column. Some editing was necessary for clarity:
Here's what Angel said:
"In the KEEP THE CONNECTIONTM WORKGROUP. I learned how to listen and how to listen to learn. [I learned that I have to] get to know my child's inner self and to bring it out, to respect my child, [that) my child has equal [human] rights, that our common humanity connects us one to another, and that parents need to be good role models; to have compassion, to accept and trust your child, respect your child's boundaries, praise them when they do something right. A good time to teach is to have a quiet time in the child's room at bedtime so they can get all the anger out that happened early in the day."
Here's what Karen said:
"Doing the weeks of the workshops, we ... learned a number of things or I should say, Ms. Molly brought out the information in us that we already know, but helped us put to good use.
"We learned to listen to one another's thoughts and feelings, and we respected each other and that is what we need to keep the connection [with our children.] One of the most important things is giving respect, because once you give it, you get it.
"Our children are a loan and in that time we ... should let them grow into their own persons, by listening with our hearts and not our minds, because they are people too! As we continue to go through life I will always remember that I was a child once and if our parents had gotten the information that we received in these few weeks a lot of our children and ourselves would be happier people. When the workshop is over I will continue to influence parents and children everywhere I go with the information that I received . . ."
Here's what Lashawn said:
"As a parent, my goal is to show kindness to my kids by letting them express themselves. When they do good I praise them ... Also ... I am willing and eager to hear what my kids have to say because they need my help and guidance. . . .I am so thankful for having two precious kids that God has blessed me with. . .   I can truly say I am learning how to keep the connection."
Here's what Jennifer said:
"Today I pack my own 'chute' and release my own power. It's not what someone says, I know how to stand. It's all about the strength, courage, and the will to release the bondage inside. No longer do I have to repeat the destructive actions [that would] hinder my children from developing into responsible, independent, strong, creative persons.   . . .In all that I show, I want my love to be felt and to show in all I do with and for them."
What was the "magic" that brought about such swift change? It is the same magic that can transform stressful family situations into moments of lasting connectedness. The leaders of the KEEP THE CONNECTION WORKSHOPS use and thereby demonstrate the same high-quality parenting skills they recommend to parents. For example, they create a safe environment in which each participant is respected for who she is, accepted just as she is, and is free from criticism, censure, or judgments. It is an atmosphere where parents are given an opportunity to express and appreciate their own highest values. Each time they light up in an AHA! moment of understanding or insight, they are reminded to "take it home." Having experienced for themselves what it feels like to be respected, valued, accepted and safe, parents have what it takes to create in their own homes the same safe harbor.
I will be launching a leadership training program in the near future. If you are interested in joining the KEEP THE CONNECTION WORKSHOP team, please contact me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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